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Notes: 3 / 1 month ago
Things I will not forget: Yesterday
This is going to be a long one, I finally have my laptop to type on and I just went through an emotional wrecking experience just the other day. I don’t really know where to start, because like most things, nothing ever starts simply.
So I’m in Santa Fe with Billy and Badger (mostly the two that I spend time with) and they are pretty close friends who’ve known each other for years. Badger is an interesting character that seems to like to jab a lot of things, and seems to see the downside situation and prepares for it immediately. A few times he’s stopped and stayed with a guy named ‘Squatter Dave’ who recently had twins with his wife and had to leave behind his squatter life.
What I didn’t want to bring up before was that I had found out I was about a month pregnant on the 20th of this month. I had kind of suspected when I got close to my period, and then was still trying to convince myself I wasn’t after it passed. But all it took was a woman coming in to say “it was positive” for me to realize that I was no longer really traveling alone.
Getting an abortion would cost $350 and I would have to go to Albuquerque, about an hour away – and if I don’t have a friend assist me with an id, I can’t get the sedatives. We don’t have a car, we don’t have money and Billy doesn’t have an ID – although I was going to ask his(/mutual) friend Anna if she’d take me on the 3rd.
Billy wants the kid, and was trying to say that he would shape up and find work so that we could start a life as a family. Badger was saying this was some sign that I should settle down with Billy – in the end I kind of think it’s just easier to leave the homeless life when you have a baby, especially with welfare.
I can’t lie, part of me has always wanted to be a mother but I told myself I would never put my kids through something before I could handle it, or bring them in when I was unsure. I told Billy I was scared that he’d leave me, in a fit of anger or in a fight, and I’d be alone and then what.
Well that almost happened yesterday.
I left the tent early because I was upset, feeling nauseas and hungry. Yes, I was acting a little pouty and was laying in the sun and kept doing so when they arrived. They flew a sign and didn’t even tell me to cut in (I had made 7 bucks sitting earlier by myself and had used the last of my EBT to get donuts for us all).
All of a sudden Billy blew up at me, and was talking about he was just going to leave because I was pissed at him, and he was going to the highway and ditching town – like I could just be on my own. I was pretty surprised but kind of in a bad mood still and didn’t want to deal with it (it was sunlight out so it wasn’t too cold), and told badger he could take the 7 dollars I had and they could get weed if it would calm them down but that Billy was freaking out over something in his head and I hadn’t said a word to him, sorry I was pregnant and hormonal or whatever (I was just laying in the sun looking miserable because, hey – I guess you do get moody when there’s something growing within you and you’re homeless).
He did take it, but we had to walk off together because the police showed up and Billy started saying he was going to get arrested but he wouldn’t walk off without me. So I got up because I didn’t want that, and we ran into some other kids on the walk, who I gave the other donuts too, kind of crying as I was walking.
They were going to get weed with these two kids, and we’re walking and Billy just goes off on me again – we had been talking and I told him that his behavior was whack and what if I did have the kid, what then? I was about to be alone and pregnant, his response: You said you didn’t even want to keep it.
BECAUSE WHAT KIND OF FATHERLY FIGURE AND LIFESTYLE DOES IT SEEM LIKE WE’D GET INTO?
Sorry but it upsets me. The very things that I told him I was worried about (that he said wouldn’t happen) was happening and it seemed almost like out of nowhere, just because he was upset with me being upset.
He started saying that I had been mean to him, and he even said I hit him (I never have) and when I turned to badger to ask him if he’d ever seen me hit Billy, he said I had punched him in the face when I got upset that Billy was talking about flirting with the French girl (which I thought had happened while we were first dating). I did get upset and go off calling him an asshole but I never hit him, I would never. Especially punch him in the face!
He changed it to a shove in the face like a split later, but still the fact that he did that… it was just scary. Billy was acting all aggressive, saying I had been giving him shit, acting like I didn’t even want to be with him so why was I, and that maybe we should end things. I got a little scared, and told him that he needed to cool down or smoke weed or something, and that he could do what he wanted but I was going to go sit by the 39 and just chill. If he came back, he came back, if he didn’t, he didn’t. But I wasn’t going to force him to anything.
He started walking after me, and I told him his behavior was scaring and confusing me and that I apologize for ever hitting him, because he was upset I was calling him a liar (which I apparently always do). Badger ended up taking his dog Calypso and walking off with the two guys to get that weed, and came back like a few hours later.
During that time, Billy sat a while down the road and I sat where I had been and we just literally sat there. He looked upset, I was confused as fuck – wondering if I was going to be left alone, and what I would do (hey it was still sunlight at least), when he walked over to me, cried and apologized.
We walked back to the 39, where they smoked most of the weed, and drank a bottle of alcohol and I kind of just sat there till the sun went down.
The only reason we got to eat yesterday was because Lody showed up with soup, and then told a restaurant he’d shovel their snow for some food. Badger spanged up 2 bucks and got himself a burrito.
I am getting tired of writing this, and that was the important part I think. So much more, and then where I am now. Where I am going, and what if that happens again?
It really hit me how far away I am from California, and from people who know me. I miss my friends – I want to see them so badly.
Alright, I’m going to stop now, we’re going to head to the outreach for food (we being, billy, badger and I – yes we are still traveling together, no I don’t really know what’s going on).
Peace.
Notes
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committeeme8 liked this
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themerrymisnomer said:
I wish you well, darling! Also, say the word and we’ll brainstorm if money is the primary obstacle keeping you from getting an abortion. I know you probably love Billy more than anything but you know the kind of world we live in. Update more often!
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msadventures posted this
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